The Response Archive is a collection of past questions and responses. The letters below best reflected the overall nature of the mail we received the week they were posted. Keep in mind all the letters we receive are important to us, and we answer them with genuine concern and appreciation for the writer and his/her situation.
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(All of the following questions are from real people, and were posted with their approval)
"I'm in love with my ex-boyfriend who lives in London. He calls maybe once in every four months. When I see him he appears to still be in love with me. Although I want to believe that it is the distance that is keeping us apart, I can't help but think he is using me as the girl who will always be there."
It is hard to know the true way a person feels. Often the person himself may not know exactly how he feels. And that unfortunately creates an anxiety or uncertainty in people who expects a more committed relationship.
Your observation may be right. As a general rule, when two people are in love, they do tend to communicate more often than once every 4 months. However, there are circumstances that are exception to the rules. Ask yourself, how often do you call him? If you do, is it possible that he is too laid back and leaves the calling to you. Try requesting him to call you more often.
In any case, if you feel strongly that he may not be taking you seriously, keep your options open. Try to relax and give the relationship time to prove itself.
"If it is meant to be yours, it will be yours."
"My boyfriend thought I was following him. We haven't talked for 3 days? What do I do? He says he's sick of me always wanting to know where he's at.I think I have a right to know somewhat about him. We've been going out for 4 years and I don't want to lose him. Should I wait for him to call me? I can't help wondering if he's out searching for someone new! I don't want to call and bug him but I do have a right to know if we are broke up or just taking some time apart. What should I think?"
Relationships are based on trust. Four years is quite a long time, you do have a right to know about him, but your relationship should also be at the point where you can let go a bit and trust your boyfriend. Relationships involve two seperate individuals. What maintains this individuality between people is privacy, the ability to keep some things to yourself. However, the act of trust still applies throughout this. You have a right to know what is going with this relationship. You need to talk to your boyfriend. Find out his opinion, ask him where he thinks this relationship is going. If you are afraid that your relationship with him isn't going too well right now, step back for a bit. It might be a good idea to take some time apart from each other. Find out what he thinks.
"Hello my name is sandra. I have had the worst thing happen to me. i am about to be married in two weeks and a week ago i found that i am pregnant to my
fiance's brother. i have told no body. i love them both and i am very confused "
You are in a very difficult situation, and a little friendly advice is in order. This situation is going to be very rough on all of those involved, and there is no easy way out of this.
You are going to have to come clean, and tell them both. The longer you keep this from them, the longer you will be lying to them and yourself. This is not the kind of thing you want to start a marriage with. If you really do sincerely love your fiance this would probably be the best thing to do. Explain to him the guilt you feel and that you would really want to make things up to him. It is understandable that your fiance might be upset. Maybe the best way to save your marriage at this point is to hold it off for now. Marriage is based on love and trust, the love may still be there, but it might take a while to rebuild the trust between you and your fiance.
"I have a boyfriend and we are quite serious. We want to get married but the problem is that we don't have enough money to get married (we're still in college). Another factor is that I live here in the Dominican Republic with my boyfriend and his family. Jonathan and I have are own room and everthing . We basically live like we are married and think like we are married. How can I get my boyfriend to realize the importance of marriage, and that marriage isn't about money. It's about love and commitment, and that a ring and a license wouldnt change who we are. I don't know. Maybe I have it too good right now and I don't know how to handle it. Please write me and tell me what you think."
You and you're boyfriend are seeing marriage from two different perspectives. While you see it as a symbol of love and commitment, you're boyfriend sees it as more of an event, one that isn't among his highest priorities. But you are absolutely right -- it doesn't matter how much money you spend on the ceremony, what is important is the ceremony itself -- it is a sign of commitment, love, and the beginning of a new life together.
If the issue of getting married is truly about the cost of a wedding, try working out some figures. Calculate how much you think the ceremony would cost, and if you can prove to your boyfriend that you can get married for a modest price, it might be enough to change his mind. But if he is still hesitant, there may be other reasons. You'll have to explore those reasons on your own. He might be a little scared, or concerned that the relationship will not last forever. You could even try discussing it with his family. Let them know how being part of their family is important to you, and at the same time you might gain some insight as to why he's so hesitant.
Give it time and love, and maybe you're boyfriend will reprioritize when he realizes how important your care and commitment is to him.
"The girl I'm interested in has a boyfriend."
The fact that you consider this a problem tells me that you are a decent, stand-up guy. I can give you two separate pieces of advice, depending on the nature of your dilemma.
1) If the girl you're interested in is involved in a long, intimate, ongoing relationship, you're better off wishing them well. It wouldn't be fair to disrupt what they have. Besides, there's plenty of other women out there that you shouldn't just ignore.
2) If the girl you're interested in is involved in a shakey relationship, one which has been established for a relatively short period of time, don't rule yourself out. Now, don't break out the mandalin and sing outside her bedroom window. But hey -- a little charm and charisma never hurt anyone.
I hope you'll now be able to chooses a proper course action.
