The Response Archive is a collection of past questions and responses. The letters below best reflected the overall nature of the mail we received the week they were posted. Keep in mind all the letters we receive are important to us, and we answer them with genuine concern and appreciation for the writer and his/her situation.
Recent questions and answers can be found in our Response Response Section.
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(All of the following questions are from real people, and were posted with their approval)
"My problem is that my ex boyfriend and I stopped seeing eachother in June. We had our differences with relatives. For instance, my future bro-in law does not like him. My ex had apologized for being rude to me for the last months out of our relationship. We recently started hanging out again and I'm wondering if this means anything. He always calls me when he's done school, or he always finds a way to touch me by accident. We recently had a discussion of getting back together but, I was intoxicated.
He did say that he wanted to take things step by step. Then said he wanted to be friends. What does this mean???"
Its pretty clear that he still likes you. Whether or not he is ready to start up a relationship again is another story. You've said that the two of you had broken up a few months ago as a result of differences with your relatives, but if you really do love one another, this shouldn't have stopped you two from seeing each other. He still cares about you and he even mentioned that he wanted to take things step by step. However, maybe friendship is the first step at this point. Take it easy for now.
Try asking him exactly how he feels about the situation, and explain to him the confusion you feel right now. Don't worry too much. If you two were meant to get together again, you'll probably get together again.
"Is it common for a boyfriend or girlfriend to treat you according to his/her own feelings, and never care about yours?"
This sort of behaviour is common in many relationships. Sometimes we tend to put our own needs first, and forget to respect the needs of those we care about. There are times when we take advantage of someone else's love or affection -- a long time friend, spouse, family member or significant other. Selfishness is an inherent trait in everyone, and is bound to surface once in a while.
However, there is a time in our lives when we have to recognize the importance of other people's needs and feelings. It is then we begin to put the needs of others above our own. This is a sign of maturity. Some people realize this at a young age, while others never realize this at all. The truth is that there are many selfish, immature people, regardless of their age or occupation.
If you know someone that is treating others or yourself unfairly, be patient with them, because they have a lot of growing up to do.
NOTE: We tried to contact this woman to send her the response, but unfortunately something was wrong with her e-mail address. We hope she visits the site and reads our advice. "I have been living with my boyfriend for over a year. Every time I try & tell him something about him that bugs me, I just get told to shut-up & he goes on about everything that's wrong with me. Also I get told I'm a freeloader, I have to go halves on almost everything. Just recently he showed me a peice a paper with all the money hes spent on me in a week. What do you think?"
First let me begin by saying that it is nearly impossible to change someone. If you fall in love with someone, it should be because you love who they are, not who you think you can make them.
In any kind of situation where your living in close quarters with someone, you will discover little things about the other person that will bug you. Now if you could tell your boyfriend that some of these things are really disturbing you, he might (with serious effort) try to change. But as you say he is not even open to listening to your complaint, he is never going to change.
I find his eagerness to put a dollar value on your relationship disturbing. If you're going halves on almost everything, there's no need for him to call you a free-loader. Your guy seems to have serious issues if he's keeping a running tab on you. You can't put a dollar amount on love!
My advice would have to be this: Think back and try and remember why you first fell in love with this guy. Think about all the cute quirks he had that were so enticing to you then. Then look at your boyfriend now and see if you can still find the cute quirks in him. If you can, and you are still in love with him then do what you can to save this relationship. The key word would be: compromise. He's going to have to meet you half way on alot of things. If he loves you, he will.
However if you two can get over petty issues, like the money, then maybe this relationship can't be fixed. You stuck with him for over a year, but that doesn't mean you have to stand for another year of him putting you down.
I'm glad you asked for our help, and I hope that these words will give you some encouragement. You have alot of descisions ahead of you, be sure to think things over. I assure you, you are not the only one in this kind of situation. If you ever need any kind of advice or encouraement, don't be afraid to call.
